Character Name: Rachel Newbury

Canon/Original: Canon

Gender: Female

Age: 14

Family:

Father – Lord Cullen Newbury (37)
Mother – Lady Constance Newbury (deceased)
Brothers – Sir Roger Newbury (19), Lord Julian Newbury (18), Lord Michael Newbury (12)
Sisters – Ladies Isobel (16), and Bridget Newbury (12 – Michael’s twin)


Spirit:: N/A

Occupation: Lady

Place of Habitation: Newbury Fiefdom

Physical Description (five sentence minimum): Rachel is a small and slender young woman. At 14, she is only five feet and two inches and she doesn't have many curves for her age. She only weighs one hundred and seven pounds which isn't a lot. Her skin is cream-colored and burns easily in the sun. She has long, straight, rust-colored hair that reaches halfway to her elbow. It's more orange-colored than any of her siblings.

Her face is heart-shaped, she has a very prominent chin and she has very full lips for her age. her lips are light pink and crack easily in the heat. Her nose is straight and long but skinny. She has almond-shaped eyes and her irises are an icy blue color. They are different than much of her family's eyes. They are framed by short, light lashes and above her eyes are pale orange eyebrows. They are always raised inquisitively which makes wrinkles in her forehead. She wears a light blue ribbon in her hair all the time and her favorite colored dresses to wear are white and light blue. She also has freckles.

Personality (eight sentence minimum): There's something about a Rachel's eyes -- warm and expressive she'll charm your socks off every time. Rachel's many of the characteristics of her father and Roger and is one of the kindest, warmest people in the kingdom, and although she borders on the predictable, she's never boring or eccentric. The best way to recognize Rachel is by her dominant trait; gregariousness. She is a small sized individual, good looking, and in fine physical shape. Energetic and eager-to-please, she has an overabundance of energy and spends a great deal of time at play. She is frisky and happy even when hard at work. Demonstrative with people that she loves, she readily displays distaste for those she dislikes.

Rachel is strongly drawn to the small, passive animal personalities like Julian, but this attraction is superficial. For once the chase is over she quickly loses interest and moves on. Her best relationships are with those capable of appreciating her strong, affectionate companionship. As eager to please as Rachel can be, she can also be a bit of a moocher who believes thou shalt share is the eleventh commandment. So, Rachel wouldn't hesitate in giving someone money or sharing her home, but would have no shame in demanding reciprocation. She also doesn't like violence but over the years she has learned to accept it.

History (ten sentence minimum): Rachel was born the fourth child, and second daughter of Lord Cullen and Constance Newbury. All they expected for her was for her to get married and have lots of children. All she had ever known was living inside the walls of a castle. When she was smaller, she grew a great attachment to her older brother Roger because they were both adventurous spirits. Even though she was still quite small, he would take her out horseback riding or exploring. Her favorite game to play with him was barbarians; where one of them would pretend to be a barbarian and the other would chase after him or her.

When she was ten years old, things changed. Her mother was pregnant again and she so wished for another little sister. But this time it was different. According to their physician, both the mother and the baby died. There was nothing he could do. Her father and brother could not stop fighting so Roger left and Cullen disowned him. Then Julian came back because he was now the heir to the fiefdom. Rachel had truly never forgiven her father for making Roger leave.

Plot Potential: She can definitely interact with the Newbury characters that have already been created. She's also coming to that age where she can be married off. And there's a potential of the Newbury serfs getting inspired if the Lawley serfs succeed. She'll be involved if that happens. That's all I can think of right now.

SAMPLE RP (with this character only):
The sun was shining. The day was warm. Rachel's father had begged her to stay inside. Both of them knew what would happen to her skin if she stayed outside too long in weather like this. But she didn't listen to him these days. She used to listen to his every word. Since Roger had left, their relationship had become strained. It wasn't unlike her to stay outside even after she was burnt to a crisp.

She was outside now. The slight breeze now and then was the only break her face got from the heat. She had gone to the stables and was now riding Gunther. Gunther was her stallion. His pelt was dark brown but he had a black mane and tail. She had her horse since before her mother died. That had been a sad day for all of them. She had probably cried the least of all of them. Not that she hadn't loved her mother. She just wasn't as close to her as everyone else.

It was a dreadful thing to think but she didn't even remember her mother's face anymore. She heard hoof beats on the trail and looked behind her. Her bodyguard, Brent, had followed her and was now gaining. She sighed and pushed her horse to a gallop. She wasn't trying to run from the young lad. No, she was a very sociable person. What she was doing now was racing him.

She was glad to have Brent. He reminded her of Roger the way he always let her do what she wanted. He would never stop her if she wanted to play outside all day. She grinned and her lower lip cracked. They must have been drier than she thought they were. She sighed and pulled on the reigns, making her horse stop. She would have to go back inside now.

What's the name of the Creator God the Endikai worship?: ((Ja))

I'm sorry to say, I'm going to have to ask you to edit this. Not that the character itself is bad (I know it's difficult to think up plot potential, etc. right from the get go)-but there are a few things that need to be improved. First of all, and perhaps the most glaring, the physical description paragraph needs to be rewritten. The rest of your writing is just fine, so I think if you were to read it aloud and then compare it with another paragraph in this app, you'd know why. :) To save time, I'll tell you that it's just really choppy. You have sentence after sentence of the same length and meter and it gets highly repetitive. Like I said, the rest of it is fine-but this one bad paragraph sets a bad vibe for the rest of the app. I know it's not the most fun bit to write, but I'd appreciate it if you'd just go through and smooth it out.

Secondly, and this is minor, I doubt how much understanding a medieval doctor would have about a placenta detaching from the uterus. How would they know it had detached without an xray or ultrasound or something? Mind you, I'm no expert on midwifery now or then...but it might be better if you just did something vague, like, she had a miscarriage or a stillbirth or something.

Fix these, and I think you'll be fine.

Hmm you're very right. Appearance is what I have the hardest time with. I hope I fixed it a little bit. It sounds a little better when I read it now.

And I fixed that part of the history. You can look at it again now.

Thanks, that's better. I'm fine with it if Sam is.

(If you ever decide to make another chara, it might be easier to be less specific in the physical description. After all, it's the least important part of the app. In this one instance, the minimum required is just fine).

Thank you for the tips. I guess I just like being very descriptive.

You know what, I'm going to approve this. I don't see anything in here that Sam would seriously object to-just be sure to keep developing character and plot potential and things should work out fine.