Title: One story about Sex Swop
Description: We had reached the awkward stage of the wedding reception
NeoLabs600 - November 18, 2006 07:53 PM (GMT)
We had reached the awkward stage of the wedding reception. The bit between the meal and the evening do when you’ve identified whom is worth speaking to and latched onto them for the day. Skip forward to the end of the evening and you’ll be exchanging numbers and swearing to keep in touch with your new best friends forever. You won’t though. You know that at the time, but you still go through the process. It’s the done thing.
I was with my wife in the lounge bar of the hotel and we’d got talking to this couple called Belinda and Liam. We’d done all the usual conversation bollocks about how lucky the newlyweds had been with the weather (and hats and jobs) when Samantha and Belinda buggered off for a group visit to the toilet, as women do.
It was then that Liam made his suggestion.adultoral sexlesbianhomosexualanal sexxxxsexpussy
breastassI liked Liam; we had a lot in common. Not just physical similarities either—both six-foot tall with long, shaggy, rock star hair—but in our attitudes to life. If there’s something to be done, do it to excess. “Fuck moderation,” was how Liam put it. We’d also both reached that stage of our marriages where we’d entered into same sex relationships, by which I mean that sex was always the same. You had a routine: Feel this…twiddle that…twaddle the other...flick something else…have that pulled…pump, pump, pump for a while…and then:
“Oh baby, I’m coming. I’m coming.”
“Yes I know you are; I can feel your buttocks tensing up. You don’t have to announce it every time; it makes me wonder if you want me as a sexual partner or as a witness.”
These things happen. Go out with someone for long enough and sex turns into any other habitual chore; like going to work, or mowing the lawn—only grass doesn't criticise your technique or get a headache just as you're about to take the top off it.
The suggestion Liam made was pretty outrageous. Normally, if someone you’ve just met asks to fuck your wife you’d hit him. But there was something about Liam. Or maybe it was the something about Belinda that made the idea of a wife-swap so tempting. This wasn’t just any old wife-swapping deal either; Liam was proposing doing it and not telling the women.
“Won’t that be a little tricky…bearing in mind neither Belinda or Sam are blind?” I asked.
“Nope. I’ve got this mate who did it once and neither women had a clue.”
“Oh come on, that’s bollocks," I objected. "They’d spot the difference in cock and action.”
“Look, most cocks when pumped up to shagging pressure are roughly the same size, give or take the odd imperceptible centimetre. And as for the action, well that’s just a case of good planning. Most couples establish a sexual routine after a while, that’s why sex gets so boring.”
“True," I admitted.
“So really it’s just a case of learning the routine and sticking to it,” added Liam.
“Okay. What about the fact they’ll recognise us?”
“Not in the dark they won’t. This is one of those hotels with those heavy curtains that make the rooms pitch black so people can get some decent shut-eye at any time of the day. And besides, Belinda likes it from behind. Bosh…bosh...bosh…so she won’t see your ugly face.”
Liam’s explanation was interrupted by the return of our wives.
“You two look like you’ve been caught with your trousers down in a lap-dancing club!” said Samantha, sweeping us with a painfully perceptive glance. “We’re going through. The disco’s about to start and we don’t want to miss the first dance.” And off we went, plan hatched and developing disgracefully in my head. Liam continued to expand on his idea as the newlyweds self-consciously span round the dance floor to the sickly strains of ‘Everything I Do I Do It For You’. It was that time of the day, as I said, when events start to get boring.