:SI: :SU:

Hi, I am new on here. I was diagnosed last February with bipolar. I have struggled for almost 8 years with it but they recently were able to diagnose it when i was admitted in to a behavior correctional facility. I was entered on attemp of suicide and self mutalation. Lately it seems my medicine just does not help if any thing it makes it worse. I hate the feeling of being different from everyone else i try to embrace the fact that i am different and i try ot lead a normal life but it is so hard when my friends dont know what i am going through or how to help me. I judge myself compared to everyone. I feel i am to critical of my self and i am always trying to make my self beautiful. I put my self down like about my wieght adn the fact that my clothes arent the name brands that some kids are. And I have not cut since august but It has been heavily on my mind lately. I have been in this depressed mood and no matter how i try if i come out of it it is only for a few hours then when i hit the bottom again it is twice as hard. Last night i laid in bed and criticized myself bout everything bout how i like this guy and i am to ugly to get him, and i could never have him because i am fat. and stuff. I try so hard not to do this to myself but i cant help it. It is like the more things i try to bring myself up on the more i find to bring myself down on. ya know? SO last night i was laying in bed and i started thinkng bout my razor blade i keep in my bathroom, and i wanted so bad just to cut myself i just wanted to feel the pressure on my wrist. Just one i didnt want to kill myself i just wanted to cut. Is it wrong for me to feel that if i can hide it and noone sees it then it isnt wrong? i know that is a stupid question. but i dont knwo i am so happy when i cut it is like the marks on my body hide the real pain. Some one can you please help me.

*just added triggers -- Amy*

Firstly Welcome to Broken Smiles.

I criticize myself a lot and it's about the things you just wrote in your post. I do not SI but I have a fiancee who does and I have learned a lot about in the past year. Is there anything you can do that would distract you from harming yourself? I believe there is a topic on here that has some helpful information on how to distract yourself.
As far as your friends not knowing....have you considered maybe telling your closest friends? I'm not really sure how helpful they can be, but just being there and supporting you would be a good start.
I hope this helps a bit.

:SI:

Hello and Welcome.

No, it isn't wrong to want to cut and hide it just so you can cope with the pain... BUT-- in the end does it make you feel better??

What is that quote from Staind's new album?? "Falling is easy its getting back up that becomes the problem" I think that seems appropriate here.

I was very depressed for twenty years, starting at 7ish. And I practiced self mutilation for a number of years. I've been in therapy and under a doctors care for three years now, and have conqured ALOT, and yet once in a blue moon I will SI again, very very slightly-- not enough to leave a mark (I never cut, but I was a major biter-- bruises, harming nerves, all that)

The key thing to remember about recovery is that it all starts with you. Do you want to get better?? It can't be just medicine alone-- meds are supposed to be a temporary fix while therapy works out all the kinks.

But what you need to remember is that you will fall back many many many times during recovery. And that is OKAY. You're suuposed to fall back a few times. Its a long slow process.

I hope you have someone-- a friend, sister, parent, teacher, anyone... that you can go to to gripe to, vent to. That helps alot.

And if that guy doesn't want you then don't worry about it. If he can't see you for the wonderful person you are you don't need him. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't believe you are beautiful?? And the secret to being beautiful is to think you are. Its a cliche but it is the ultimate truth.

Good Luck.

Hi and welcome to BS. I'm sure you'll like it here.

I agree with Martina. Quiting SI is a difficult process. And relapses are natural. It would be good to be able to talk to someone about it on a regular basis. (a friend, parent, whoever) Venting often gets that emotion relieved, which is good.

And honestly, you don't want to be with a guy if he can't see you as beautiful.

Try to take a look at the alternatives to SI topic. You may get some ideas on how to cope with urges.

Amy

:SI:

thank you! Idid read the topic bout alternatives and i started a journal. but sometimes like tonight i just get so down i want to cut and it hurts so bad to think bout it but it hurts worse not to! I will not that is why i am on here but i want to but thank you all for the support and ya know i love the feeling on here you all make it seem so friendly and non judgemental! thank you

*added a trigger -- Amy*

I'm glad that you're working on ways to control the urges. That's a big part of quiting, knowing what you can do to make it easier for yourself.

:)

Amy